Seharusnya memang benar tetap pada pilihan

Untuk menjadi kanebo kering

Walau kanebo kering itu kaku, monoton, tanpa ekspresi

Tapi itu lebih baik

Daripada menjadi kanebo basah

Yang lembek karena kepedulian

Karna peduli membuatmu sakit

Peduli membuatmu terluka

Dan menjadi kanebo kering

Adalah suatu cara untuk menghindari rasa sakit itu

Kanebo kering tidak terlalu memedulikan apapun

Kanebo kering tidak akan sakit hati terhadap perkataan atau perlakuan orang lain

Dan kanebo kering,

Tidak usah merasa kesal karena penasaran yang selalu sengaja ditujukan padanya

Kanebo kering tidak bertanya lebih lanjut

Walau dia tahu sedikit apa yang ingin disampaikan padanya

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Sometimes I feel lost

Lost all of my mind
Lost all my sanity
And lost my common sense
That’s always warn me to be strong
All the time, all the situation

Sometimes,
I let myself to get lost
Get lost in loneliness
Get lost in negativity
And get lost in insecure condition

Or sometimes
I put myself
Far away from everyone
To let them know,
That I’ve been lost for a long time

And you, all of you or one of you
Will you want to seek me?

I really want to know
Who really care about me
When I lost…
When I disappeared for a moment

In short,
Who will find “the lost me”
In the deepest-darkest of my world

I just want to know
How many people who “do” care
Not only talk sweetest thing about “caring”

After I get lost,
Will I be found by you
Or will I get lost forever…?

Sometimes I feel blue

But cannot explain why

Stuck in the middle emotion

That suddenly stick on my heart

“Blue” that I feel,

Make me turn off my smile

And turn on all the negativity

And I just jump into it

Suddenly, … without any warnings

When I feel “blue”

I think I just to make time

To recover myself

But, I think

I cannot help about myself

Then,

Maybe I just need attention from others

Chat me, comfort me, listen to my story, and hug me tightly

Ah, I become a spoiled child

Put away my maturity and wisdom

Thinks that I don’t need it right now

Ah,

Pardon me for my habit

“Attention Seaker”

In the emptiness

I dont know why

Sometimes its hard to love myself

Even there are so many beautiful article

That always tell us that we are beautiful, just the way we are

It seems so easy

To tell everyone that they have their own ability

That will help them to survive in this cruel world

But when we talk about “ourself”

Will we trust all of that beautiful lie?

I’m sorry to call it as a beautiful lie

Sometimes, my mind is so skeptist

And I don’t trust that positivity

That heard like a bullshit

Did you know,

When we see our reflection

It looks like so many flaws

And we…

Are never enough for the world

There will be people that

Higher than us,

More potential than us,

Better than us

And just…we don’t feel worthy enough

Maybe thats because

“More”,–as a word

That make us compare ourselves

Completely to anyone

And that the ” more” that we use

Make us feel “less”

There is one day in my life,

I just wonder to have an ability

To make a lot of friends

To get along with them

And known by everyone

Because I hate myself too much

I hate to be an introvert

Who always feel lonely

When I don’t have any courage

To move first

In order to get along and make friend

And another chance just came by

In college, everything change suddenly

So drastically and I can’t help myself

I get know so many people

It feels like everyone tell me about their name

And I just force my brain to remember everyone’s name and face

Then I feel dizzy,

I get uncomfort

Too many people and my energy get drain easily

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i.

I don’t know why

Seems like too wonder

But here I am

Looking for somebody

From their eyes through my eyes, I scanning them

Quick.

Slow.

And understand

They have another pain

That hide behind their heart

Closed and have secret code

And they…

Don’t want to let anyone

To break the code

ii.

Why?

I seem like know everything

I feel about their pain

Know where it hurts

But still, I keep quiet

Watching them handle their problem

Struggle with something bothered

Bothered them a lot

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Society

Selalu kejam
Dari dulu sampai sekarang

Menghakimi
Memecahbelah
Mencibir
Membandingkan

Ada ungkapan
Top 1% orang terkaya,
Menguasai separuh kekayaan dunia
Dan semua orang berlomba-lomba meraih posisi itu

Semua orang jadi tamak
Menyikut sana sini
Tidak peduli tentang apapun
Hanya jiwa kompetisi untuk menjadi tingkat atas
Yang berkobar tanpa henti

Dan
Ketika semua orang berusaha mencapai posisi teratas
Hati nurani mereka hilang
Mata mereka buta
Dan tanpa sadar melakukan kejahatan
Mungkin tipu antar kolega
Atau diam-diam memiliki sifat iri ingin menyaingi
.
.
.

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Did you know what is the most difficult things in the world?
.
.
The answer is
“To put others before you”
It is the most difficult things in the world

When you try to understand them
Put yourself in someone else’s shoes
That a kind of part that sometimes…
Hurt you from inside
Because you try and always try to understand the way that others thinking about their problem
And to “understand” is the most difficult part
Or on the other hands,
it means to try to fit your feet in others’ size
Force it till you hurt your own feet

Sometimes,
I just want to give up.
I just want to just don’t care about their feeling
And make them feel the pain that I gain–
From the way I care about them

But…
Still again, I can’t
I choose to lose my own self
Than choose to lose them
I’m stupid,
Yes, I am.
But how can you do,
when your heart always choose—
To always put them in your priority list?
How can I ignore,
When I am too afraid to lose them?

“How did you know that your day is messed?”

“Easy. Just see my face. You will look my flat face and dont want to smile even I really want to”
“But you always put your face so flat, how can I know and how can I decide this is your bad day?”
“Then try second step”, I said to someone in front of me.
” What is it?”
“Try to ask me through chat or in person,
You will see that I will not talk with everyone”
“How about I offer you some chocolate?”
“I know you steal that recipe on internet but it will not help anything, I have tried it before and still… I get sad”
“So what I must do when you have a bad day?”
“Just stay quiet for a while and take full attention to every code I share for you indirectly. You can stalk all my social media or anything that you know”
“And for the next?”
“You decide it, I will not tell you anything”
“How about hug from me?”, someone in front of me took a step forward and open that arms”
” I accept it gratefully”, I said in those arms

Aku suka berdiam diri

Dalam diam aku menemui segala hal

yang tak mampu didengar karena berisiknya dunia ini

Aku senang berdiam diri

Kadang tak semua diam artinya baik

Kadang ada diamku yang terasa tidak baik

Bagiku diam adalah senjata.

Senjata pertahanan diri

Sekaligus alat penyerangan yang paling ampuh

Seringkali aku diam

hanya untuk luput dari kesalahkan

atau menghindari disalahkan

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