Dear My Bestfriend,

Do our friendship still made from steel?

Can we overwhelm all the problem instead torture each other?

Will we always face all the problem together?

Or we just run from each other?

Both of us know

We have done everything together

From laugh to tears

Together in craziness

Together in all battleship

Act like superhero that never feel afraid of anything

But when the things about us

Are we still made from steel

That cannot be broken by anything

Or

We just set our heart like steel

Think about ourselves only

And not try to keep good communication

Put aside our ego

Then we torture together

In different path

Can’t rely each other

Because too much pain that we hold

Make us blind about all beautiful story

That created by each other

I still wish

That our friendship never be broken

Like steel

And so we are

I think I can fix anything

I think I can keep myself on the right track

I think I will not break anything

But all I do
Only make it worse
Make others heart feel more pain

Break trust.
Disappointed.

Honesty hurt me
Hurt you
Hurt us
Torture all good things
Between us

Why my ego play dumb towards me?
Why my logic don’t stop me to torture person
that I promise that I will never hurt

Why?
Why everything so messed up
No.
I think myself more messed up
And it ends me to hurt people that really close to me

All the regret
All the good words
All of apology
Could it make it right?
.
.
.
All the things that I’ve broken?
I just wonder

Apa hal yang paling menyesakkan dalam hidup?

Mungkin banyak hal.

Ada harapan yang tidak terwujud

Walaupun menginginkannya begitu keras

Ada berbagai macam pilihan

Tapi tidak ada kebebasan untuk memilih

Ada luka-luka masa lalu

Yang terulang seperti baru sehari berlalu

Atau

Mungkin ketika kau begitu putus asa

Menatap orang yang berada hanya sejengkal didepanmu

Tetapi tak ada satupun kata keluar sebagai tanda pembuka

Berbagai hal dapat terjadi

Menyesakkan atau tidaknya tergantung dirimu

Yang pasti, yang hanya kau seharusnya tahu adalah….

Yang paling menyesakkan selalu terasa dari hatimu

Sekeras apapun kau menutupi,

Rasa sakit itu tetap ada

Tak menghilang

Juga tak berkurang

Why I trembled so hard this night?

My heart usually numb–

Don’t feel anything

But this night,

It is really hurt

So many bad memories

That play in my head, repeatly

I try to avoid it like usual

But denial never solve anything

Or maybe only this time,

Denial cant solve my problem

Ah, it is easy to say

“Denial is not the best way to solve thing”

But in fact,

I only deny everytime it comes

Read the rest of this entry »

Selamanya itu apa?

Ini kali kedua aku menanyakannya

Kupikir…

Aku hampir menemukan kata “selamanya”

Ternyata ketika aku mempercayainya

Kata itulah yang akhirnya membohongiku

Selamanya itu apa?

Dan tiba-tiba aku merasa sedih kembali

Hatiku sakit memikirkan kemungkinan

Bahwa akan terjadi perpisahan dalam waktu dekat

Kemudian,….

Aku membenci segala “pertemuan”

Hanya dalam sekejap

Ketika aku tahu pertemuan tidak mempertemukan kita

Pertemuan hanya mempertemukan kita dengan perpisahan

Dan kalau saja, kita akhirnya berpisah

Mengapa pula kita harus dipertemukan?

Tiba-tiba saja mendengar kata “perpisahan”

Benakku memutar kembali perpisahan pertamaku

Sewaktu SD—dengan kawan terbaikku

Dan sekarang….

Aku mulai merasakan hal yang sama

Read the rest of this entry »

“I’m sorry for your loss”, she said
“It’s okay. You don’t need to be sorry”, I said
“Why?”, she frowned and seems confused
“I have lost so many person that I have, and this time only a person that currently added in my lost list”, I explained
” So you get used to over this?”, she asked again
“No, I never.
A lot of lost not help you to used to over this. It only help your heart to be more sincere and you grow more mature to let go”, I said and I hear my voice turn into more sad intonation
” Then, have you not feel the pain because losing someone?”, she asked me again
“I do. Really do. If I turn back and play those memory cassettes– You know how much the pain that I feel inside my heart”
“Then?”
“Then I think another thought and smile”
“Smile? Why suddenly?”
“Because I still have those memories even I lose all my beloved person and those memories always remind me that I always have two choices— to consider it as a loss or to make myself stronger”
Now she nod her head, understand that there is no need to feel worry about “lost” because it helps you to be stronger than before

Seharusnya memang benar tetap pada pilihan

Untuk menjadi kanebo kering

Walau kanebo kering itu kaku, monoton, tanpa ekspresi

Tapi itu lebih baik

Daripada menjadi kanebo basah

Yang lembek karena kepedulian

Karna peduli membuatmu sakit

Peduli membuatmu terluka

Dan menjadi kanebo kering

Adalah suatu cara untuk menghindari rasa sakit itu

Kanebo kering tidak terlalu memedulikan apapun

Kanebo kering tidak akan sakit hati terhadap perkataan atau perlakuan orang lain

Dan kanebo kering,

Tidak usah merasa kesal karena penasaran yang selalu sengaja ditujukan padanya

Kanebo kering tidak bertanya lebih lanjut

Walau dia tahu sedikit apa yang ingin disampaikan padanya

Read the rest of this entry »

Sometimes I feel lost

Lost all of my mind
Lost all my sanity
And lost my common sense
That’s always warn me to be strong
All the time, all the situation

Sometimes,
I let myself to get lost
Get lost in loneliness
Get lost in negativity
And get lost in insecure condition

Or sometimes
I put myself
Far away from everyone
To let them know,
That I’ve been lost for a long time

And you, all of you or one of you
Will you want to seek me?

I really want to know
Who really care about me
When I lost…
When I disappeared for a moment

In short,
Who will find “the lost me”
In the deepest-darkest of my world

I just want to know
How many people who “do” care
Not only talk sweetest thing about “caring”

After I get lost,
Will I be found by you
Or will I get lost forever…?

Sometimes I feel blue

But cannot explain why

Stuck in the middle emotion

That suddenly stick on my heart

“Blue” that I feel,

Make me turn off my smile

And turn on all the negativity

And I just jump into it

Suddenly, … without any warnings

When I feel “blue”

I think I just to make time

To recover myself

But, I think

I cannot help about myself

Then,

Maybe I just need attention from others

Chat me, comfort me, listen to my story, and hug me tightly

Ah, I become a spoiled child

Put away my maturity and wisdom

Thinks that I don’t need it right now

Ah,

Pardon me for my habit

“Attention Seaker”

In the emptiness

I dont know why

Sometimes its hard to love myself

Even there are so many beautiful article

That always tell us that we are beautiful, just the way we are

It seems so easy

To tell everyone that they have their own ability

That will help them to survive in this cruel world

But when we talk about “ourself”

Will we trust all of that beautiful lie?

I’m sorry to call it as a beautiful lie

Sometimes, my mind is so skeptist

And I don’t trust that positivity

That heard like a bullshit

Did you know,

When we see our reflection

It looks like so many flaws

And we…

Are never enough for the world

There will be people that

Higher than us,

More potential than us,

Better than us

And just…we don’t feel worthy enough

Maybe thats because

“More”,–as a word

That make us compare ourselves

Completely to anyone

And that the ” more” that we use

Make us feel “less”